In my last post I was planning a trip, with my hubby, to tour all of Britain. We were hoping to stay for approximately a month. Early on Sunday June 14, 2009 he suffered a massive heart attack and pulmonary embolism and died before my very eyes. I am at a complete loss. I have no idea how to move, literally. He was my best friend, soul mate, partner in everything including our love of Scotland. Our plan was to buy a small bed and breakfast/guest house and live out the remainder of our years together in a place we both felt was home for our souls.
But now what am suppose to do? It hasn't even been two weeks since his passing but I am so confused as to what to do with the rest of my life. Family and friends are pushing me to eventually move closer to them. Others are saying take your time where you are and don't make any sudden decisions. My heart says follow your dream and use whatever money I have or will be getting and just go for it. My only real responsibility right now is my dog who is a great companion for me.
My husbands life was spent working his ass off for everyone with the reward of someday following his dream. I stayed home and took care of our daughter and made our house a home for him to relax in after long hours busting his butt. He was my world. He spoiled me by doing anything he could to make me happy and I hope that I did the same for him. He was only 46 yrs old when he died! We were suppose to have many more years together. He was suppose to have his reward for working so hard, not have his life just end like that. A couple of months ago we were having one of serious conversations about what our futures looked like and he said "I want you to know that you and Samantha (our daughter) have made my life the best it could ever be."
I haven't worked in 10 yrs really. I did help him with his trucking business from the house but now I am finding it impossible to find a job. So, again I ask, what do I do? It will be several months probably before the insurance checks arrive and until then I'll be okay. Hopefully by then I'll know what to do. Part of me is worried about disappointing family members if I do decide to go to Scotland but the biggest part of me feels that my husband would want me to fulfill our dream. I guess it's just too early for me to know exactly what I am going to do but the thoughts won't leave my brain and they just keep spinning around in there until I want to scream.
Hopefully someone will finally check out my blog and give me some much needed advice. Thanks for letting me vent for today. I'm sure there will be others.
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